15 Tips for Beginners BDSM
Aug 19, 2024
Stepping into the world of BDSM can be both exciting and overwhelming, especially for beginners - I see it all the time with my coaching clients!
Whether you’re just starting to explore your desires or have been curious for a while, it’s important to approach this journey with an open mind, a commitment to education, and a focus on safety and communication. Here's my favorite 15 tips I would give any beginner when starting their BDSM journey.
1. It’s Normal to Have These Desires
First things first, having desires that fall under the BDSM umbrella is completely normal. Society often stigmatizes anything outside of the vanilla norm, but rest assured, there’s nothing wrong with you. Embrace your interests—they are a part of what makes you, *you*.
2. Dive Deep into Education
Knowledge is power, especially in BDSM. The more you learn about the dynamics, techniques, safety protocols, and psychology behind BDSM, the better equipped you’ll be to make informed decisions. Whether it's reading books, attending workshops, or engaging in online communities, arm yourself with information. It’s not just about safety—it’s about enhancing your pleasure and ensuring you have the best experiences possible. My Empowered Submission Academy is a wonderful start for women seeking to embrace their submissive desires!
3. Take Responsibility for Your Desires
You are the architect of your own pleasure. It’s up to you to articulate your needs and desires clearly. Whether you’re into soft rope play or more intense sensations, knowing what you want (and what you don’t) is crucial. Don’t wait for someone else to guess—communicate your needs confidently.
4. Understand Consent on a Deeper Level
Consent in BDSM is more than just a simple “yes” or “no.” It’s an ongoing, nuanced conversation that should be revisited throughout your play. Make sure you fully understand what consent means to you and your partner, and remember, it can be withdrawn at any time. This deep understanding will lay the foundation for trust and respect in your encounters - my Enthusiastic Consent workshop is a great start to deepening your understanding.
5. Explore Beyond Pain: The World of BDSM is Vast
Contrary to popular belief, BDSM isn’t just about pain. There are countless ways to explore your desires that don’t involve any physical discomfort. Whether it’s through sensory play, role-playing, or power exchange dynamics, the possibilities are nearly endless. Don’t let stereotypes limit your exploration—find what excites you.
6. Find Your Community
One of the best parts of the BDSM world is the community. Seek out like-minded individuals who share your interests. Whether online or in person, being part of a community can provide support, friendship, and a wealth of knowledge. Plus, BDSM folks tend to be some of the most welcoming, caring people you’ll ever meet.
7. Never Stop Asking Questions
If you find yourself confused or curious about something, don’t hesitate to seek more information. The BDSM world is rich with resources, and there’s always more to learn. Keep asking questions, and never stop expanding your understanding.
8. Play Sober for Maximum Safety and Enjoyment
It might be tempting to have a drink to take the edge off, but staying sober during play is essential. Being fully present ensures that you’re aware of your limits, able to give and receive consent, and can fully enjoy the experience. Plus, it leads to deeper connections and more fulfilling play.
9. Trust Your Gut Instincts
Your intuition is a powerful tool. If something feels off, trust that feeling. Whether it’s a new activity or a new partner, your gut will often guide you toward what’s right (or wrong) for you. Pay attention to those instincts—they’re there for a reason.
10. Communication is Key
Forget tips, tricks, or magic spells—nothing beats good communication. Being a clear, honest communicator is the most important skill you can develop in BDSM. Make it your mission to articulate your boundaries, desires, and limits as clearly as possible. This will pave the way for safer and more enjoyable experiences.
11. Start Small and Build Gradually
There’s no need to dive into the deep end on your first go. Start small, with activities that feel manageable and comfortable to you. Gradually build up your experiences as you become more confident and knowledgeable. There’s no rush—taking your time will help you avoid overwhelming your nervous system.
12. Trust Takes Time—Cultivate It
Trust is the cornerstone of any BDSM relationship. Take the time to build it with your partner(s) before diving into play. Getting to know each other, establishing boundaries, and creating a safe space will lead to richer, more satisfying experiences down the line.
13. Own Your Mistakes
Mistakes will happen—that’s part of being human. What’s important is how you handle them afterward. Take responsibility, learn from your errors, and use those lessons to grow. Accountability is key in BDSM, just as it is in any relationship.
14. Forge Your Own Path
It’s great to learn from others, but remember, your BDSM journey is uniquely yours. Let others inspire you, but don’t let them dictate your path. Explore at your own pace, and discover what works best for you.
15. Stay Flexible with Yourself
As you explore BDSM, your desires, limits, and boundaries might evolve. That’s perfectly okay! Be flexible with yourself and check in regularly to see how you’re feeling. Growth and change are natural parts of any journey.
BDSM is a vast, diverse world filled with endless possibilities for pleasure and connection. By prioritizing education, communication, and trust, you’ll be well on your way to creating fulfilling, exciting, and safe experiences. Remember, this journey is yours—embrace it with confidence and curiosity!
To learn more:
Beginners Rope Course: 4 week online initiation into Shibari with licensed instructor Julieta Chiara
FREE masterclass: From Curious to Confident: 4 steps to beginning your Empowered Submissive Journey
